It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
