Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
