Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
