dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
