shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
