I didn't shave. On purpose
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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