My underwear smells like fireworks.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
