So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
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There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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