I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
