mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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