i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
