She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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