I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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