I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
