I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
