The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sober January is a disaster.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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