Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so let's talk penis.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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