You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
