Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
