based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
