You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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