im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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