I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
