yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
