best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
