I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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