Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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