woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
