I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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