we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
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my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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