How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
