my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
