I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
