while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
