Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my vagina gasped.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
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