I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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