i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
