It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
