You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
