Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
