Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Randomize
