the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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