he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
