My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
