Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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