i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
