you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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