I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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