I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
