Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
