So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
