how can u be prego again
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
