I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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