I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
