My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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