you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
