I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
