Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
