How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
