I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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