She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
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Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
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I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"