New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is it because I queefed?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize