i already hear my dad disowning me
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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