We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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