Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
